The situation:

“Well it’s a couple of things I guess. Mainly she thinks she isn’t good enough for me; she’s a little self conscience although I think she’s beautiful, and she feels that she needs to be “more successful” in order to be with someone like myself.

A little back story: I asked her out a day before she had to go away for a month (didn’t know obviously), so we got to know each other a bit via chatting and stuff. When she got back she said that she wasn’t ready to start dating, so I said no problem when you’re ready I’m here. We keep in touch but I still haven’t gone out with her because she refuses to see me even though she really likes me.

She then tells me that she’s been in some bad relationships before, and has a habbit of getting close to guys and then “going numb”, loses feelings for them and ends up hurting them. I’m trying to convince her that it doesn’t always have to be like that, and that I’m willing to work with her to make things work etc…

At times she’ll just get upset at me for no real reason, I think just to distance herself or “protect me” I dunno.

I really want to help her, I’m giving her her space and not trying to force things, as well as trying to convince her to be fearless and try to break her toxic habits with relationships. I’m just at a loss right now, what should I do?”

The reply:

Everyone wants a partner who’s “better than they deserve”; it’s a romantic relationship, not a business deal. When she says she feels like she isn’t good enough for you, that is just an excuse to tell you to go away without saying it directly. She doesn’t want you. From the sound of it, she has a history of attracting men who gently-yet-persistently refuse to take “No” for an answer, and she tolerates it as long as she can until she can’t stand it anymore. That is a much more plausible explanation for her “going numb”.

She’s getting upset “for no reason” because she doesn’t want you, and you’re not getting the message. Maybe she doesn’t consciously realize she doesn’t want you, so she can’t put it into words, or maybe she *does* consciously realize it, but she doesn’t want to say so because she’s afraid you’ll get angry, because deep down you think she owes you something in return for all the attention you’ve given her. Despite what your conscious intentions might be, you’ve already proven that you don’t really care about her feelings, or you’d have gone away and minded your own business already.

She doesn’t need a man to help her solve her problems. She is a human being just like you are, and she can solve her own problems. Unfortunately, you are one of her problems, and you are refusing to be solved. Stop wasting your time with her and go searching for someone who can’t wait to spend time with you. It might take ten years of being single before you find one, like it took me, but being single is better than being frustrated.